It’s in some seedy hotel room, faded lime green walls,
cigarette burns in the blankets, that the time has come to try another game.
He’s locked himself in the monastery of marriage for
months, no sex, he says, and this is his first venture out, so he says.
Anyone else you’d have said, ‘good luck to you, enjoy yourself’, but this one is different. He
can disappear, reappear and you’d still hang on.
Before he arrives there is such anticipation. First the fear he’ll
simply not show up, will you be left sitting in the smell of
stale smoke, or then the fear, oh the fear, will he not like your see
dress. In fact will he notice it?
The game got hot hot hot over email. Will we touch here? He wants to try new
positions, the lighthouse he calls it, anal sex. Then why not use those pink fluffy handcuffs
that you can buy from online shops.
Now this is a boundary that could easily go horribly
Back in the hotel room it is lonely, a waste, still no word, no
There is only so far you can walk around a room, you try
entertainment yourself with fantasies to take the place of the cold reality.
The phone rings, no number displayed, but it has to has
to be him. Thank god, that $90 to pay to
sit in some crappy room has not been a waste.
As he walks in the
door, an old flame, someone who used to set you on fire. He sounds familiar, but who needs sound, it
is the kiss, touching his shoulders, his firm muscular arms.
He’s greeting are some mumbled words under that kiss. It lasts too long, no need for conversation,
well really it isn’t what we here for, isn’t it?
His hands are already wavering over your body, setting
the heart beat to a new level. His penis is hard as your body rubs against
The real play comes closer. Will you be brave enough to edge towards the
boundary, are you both ready to go down that path. After your clothes have landed on the sticky
carpet the oil comes out of a bag as the first sign that the game is serious,
The oil is used, ‘okay’ he says, ‘I’ve brought something for
you’. He thinks I think it’s gold, ‘no’ he
jitters, ‘no, it’s just something to cover your eyes’, that’s the first awkward
moment and one that lets you giggle silently to yourself.
He folds the wrap
around your head and suddenly the old world disappears, a new world emerges.
You have lost control. ‘I don’t know how
to do this’, he says and you know he wants to tie your hands. For once this man of discipline is lost, but
soon recovers as you raise your hands held together offered to the wrap.
No sight, no movement but every move he makes is clear,
you know where he is heading, his hands fold over your body with an assurance
that has never been there before.
He can play with your body, and teases you with his penis,
in a little then gone, back in, then gone, you don’t know his plan but it feels
so good. No control, no movement.
His hands feel inside you, with senses on full alert
every part of his fingers highlight the sensation, you are on hyper alert.
For the first time you realize his hands are rough as
they glide up your hips, too rough for an office worker, but they are doing
their job, they end on your neck gently pressing up against your chin. His mouth, his tongue it plays such a lovely
You know the mouth, the tongue gives silent messages, he
wants something tight. The tongue is squeezed into your mouth, you respond,
It could be anyone outside the covers, but thankfully you
can trust, you know this man. He is
familiar, he is warm, he is …finished.
You didn’t want it to finish, it could have gone on all
day. You lie together your head under
his, there is silence, the wraps are untied, you can see again.
As you hold each other he rests his head on yours, don’t
move, keep still, don’t even swallow. He is asleep. Is he asleep?
His breathing gets louder, he is asleep.
Don’t move, don’t rub your hands over his hips. If he wakes, he’ll leave, ‘sorry got to go
back to work’. Keep still this is the moment of completion, of basking in the
Lie still, but for how long? That intolerance for boredom begins to
rise. You dare open one eye to see his
relax mouth just beside yours. Oh this
is joy, you feel a connection to someone you have liked, still like, very much,
you feel such a strong attachment, and this is your moment to feel
attached. You close that eye. Relax.
Bask in the moment.
Boredom. Your head
moves slowly, slowly you dare open both your eyes, yes he is still there, but
asleep, fast asleep. You could be his
wife, you could be the lady down the road.
That is the risk, suddenly the realization that you feel for him
something he will never feel for you.
3.30 on the dot, wakes up, ‘sorry, go to go back to work’ he says. Shower, trousers on. I’ll be in touch.
That was the real risk.
The emotional gamble, the sex was the journey to understand that the
gamble, was lost.